One of my coaching clients recently had a breakthrough moment in our session.

“I’ve set the same goals every year for the past five years,” they told me. “But this time, when you asked me WHY these goals mattered to me, everything shifted. I realized I was chasing what I thought I should want, not what actually matters to me.”

That conversation revealed a pattern I’ve seen hundreds of times as a coach:

When we set goals without connecting them to our core values, we’re not just setting ourselves up for failure. We’re actively training our brains to distrust our own commitments.

It happens subtly:

• The fitness goal that looks perfect on paper but ignores your desire for energy and connection
• The career objective that impresses others but betrays your need for creative expression
• The financial target that society applauds while disconnecting you from your actual definition of security

Each disconnected goal becomes a small betrayal of trust with yourself.

This creates a dangerous downward spiral that few people talk about:

1. We set goals without meaning
2. We abandon them when motivation fades
3. We blame ourselves for lacking discipline
4. We set even more rigid goals to “fix” our discipline

The cycle continues, each failure reinforcing our belief that we’re “bad at goals”

This spiral typically starts with two common traps:

1. You care about achievement but haven’t done the inner work

• “I’ll figure out the why later”
• “I just need to push harder”
• “Everyone else is setting these kinds of goals”

This is the high-achiever’s blind spot. You can accomplish goals this way and many do but each achievement leaves you feeling more hollow than the last. The real cost isn’t failure. It’s succeeding at things that don’t matter.

2. You prioritize action over alignment

• “I need to get moving now”
• “Planning takes too long”
• “I can’t waste time on reflection”

The irony? This “time-saving” approach actually wastes more time than any reflection ever could. It’s like starting a road trip without a destination. You might move fast, but you’ll drive in circles.

Here’s what makes this pattern so tricky: Most of us think we’re connecting our goals to our values, but we’re actually connecting them to:

• What we think we should value
• What others have convinced us to value
• What worked for us in the past (but may not serve us now)

The difference? Genuine value alignment feels energizing, not depleting. It creates pull, not push. When a goal actually connects to your values, you’ll feel a sense of “rightness” that transcends logic.

It’s not just about setting goals. It’s about setting goals that align with who you want to become. When goals connect to values, they connect to meaning.

But there is something else that is important for you to keep in mind...

Values aren’t just things you think are important. They’re patterns of behavior that consistently energize you. They’re the activities and ways of being that make you feel most alive.

Start by noticing what naturally energizes you. Not what you think should energize you but what actually does. These patterns reveal your authentic values, not the ones you’ve borrowed from others.

When you set your next goal, make the value connection explicit. Don’t just keep it in your head.

Instead of saying “I want to start a business” when you secretly value freedom, speak your truth. Your goals deserve that clarity. Try saying, “I’m starting a business because financial freedom allows me to live authentically.”

This process can take as little as 15-20 minutes of reflection.

What to do today

The next time you’re setting a goal, ask yourself:

1. When I think about this goal, do I feel energized or obligated?
2. What patterns in my life consistently bring me alive?
3. How does this goal connect to those patterns?
4. If no one else knew about this goal, would I still want it?
5. What’s the smallest way I could test if this goal truly aligns with my values?

You don’t create lasting change through willpower alone.

You create it the same way all sustainable transformation happens and that is by connecting your actions to your values, showing up authentically, and remembering your “why” every day. There are no shortcuts.

If you want your goals to stick, that starts with understanding the deeper meaning behind every objective you set.

Stay Curious and Lead A Life of Purpose,

John

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